My Maximalism

Someday I'm going to write a book on huge postmodern maximalists works. I haven't listened to anything other than this for the last few days of frenetic finals writing.

It just gets better and better. While it seems one of those impenetrable modernist variations, the more you listen to it the easier it gets to notice the motifs and riffs on the main theme, and for most of them you can hum the main theme along with them.

And of course there's books. I can't wait for The Recognitions to arrive, what I've read of it I like a lot. It's going to take 2 weeks. I feel so literarily badass, I'm ordering a book so rare and out-of-print they have to print it on demand. I find myself drawn more and more to these ridiculously huge books. It's all for the aesthetic.

I know there's a book called "The Maximalist Novel" out there, which is an awesome title, but I leafed through it and it looks really stuffy and hoity. Not going for that look.

Aesthetic non…

My Insanity

I'm going crazy. This is quickly becoming the diary of a madman I swear. I am woken up, try to put in ear plugs, try to smile, try to breathe deeply, try to actually just get up.

Bathroom door slam. Toothbrush banging (how insane is that, that that's a noise). Bedroom door slam. Bathroom door slam again, microwave slam, front door slam. All the while on the phone with who knows what. Do you talk to your mom every day at 7. Do you talk to your friend at 7 am WHO IS UP THEN

Monday 7:30. Tuesday 9. Wednesday 5:45. Thursday maybe not. Definitely Friday 7:10 am.

So I sit and try to smile. Try to breath and remind myself that things are okay, that I'm lucky and fortunate.

It took everything inside of me to bring the 7 am phone calls up one time, months ago. I did. Right when it was happening I got up, calmly walked up and said words to plead to be quiet. Even then he was nice about it and looked genuinely shocked and apologetic. I'm trembling right now again thinking of it. …


I need to cut out soy milk or tofu or whatever because I am so emotional lately it's ridiculous.

First I cried at this - when the sirens go off I just felt so patriotic and sad:

Then I WEPT at this - right at 6:09 until the end:

I need to stop listening to music is the solution

My Bed

Also, I have had crazy back and neck pain from who knows what lately. Perhaps it's me sitting in front of a computer for 14 hours a day. But anyways it got so bad a couple days ago that I couldn't (1) tilt my head to the left at all, (2) couldn't stand up straight without my upper back searing, and (3) couldn't even really sit for a while without my lower back burning.

I think it was actually this cheap pillow that I got from Target, which was not the lowest RE brand, but something from the Threshold line which should be better, right? It was a really soft, puffy down pillow that seemed firm.

But so yeah. Pain. So I decided to sleep on the floor, with a bunch of blankets and only one of my old, basically flat pillows.

Never felt better. There wasn't even a breaking-in period, and it wasn't hard to get to sleep or anything. I just immediately feel relief as I can feel the hard floor press and support my back, and I feel like I'm stretching out but also relax…

My routine

I feel best when I've lounged at home for about 6 hours not talking to anybody and then its about 11 PM or close to midnight and I have some tea and goat cheese and pizza rolls and I'm ON FIRE WRITING AND EDITING AND EXPERIMENTING AND EMAILING AND RESEARCHING AND CRITIQUING AND REVIEWING WHOOOOOO

My Curriculum

OK draft of generals papers are OUT to the committee --

breathing a sigh of relief is completely an understatement

hopefully this means I can defend and meet this milestone for several quarters ago FINALLY

my phone

Is it just me? Is it so unreasonable to ask not to fall asleep to you  on the phone literally at 12:40 am and also wake up to it  at 8:56 am on a Saturday ?

I'm stressed because I feel no one (maybe J) believes me when I say this person is talking  3-4 hours on the phone a day.

Am I just demanding? Is this a reasonable compromise for the 'situation'? Suck it up?

It bookends my day with hate and stress and I don't like it. And I can't drive away bc it looks like textbook passive aggression.

I've tried everything - yes TALKING to the party , white noise and earplugs. I feel trapped.